I recently went home to Australia after a 3 year hiatus to celebrate my 15th wedding anniversary with a vow renewal. What was meant to be a a simple lunch by the beach turned into the a full on celebration complete with celebrant and drone video. The renewal was meant to symbolise to my friends and family that I was in a good place after suffering a breakdown and to reaffirm to my loving husband that I will try my hardest to never let the past haunt me again. Although this was very good in theory, most of my family and friends had not seen me before and after the events of the last 18 months and very few words had been spoken as I tried to hide away from my shame and guilt. For the most part people were happy to see me looking physically well and the obvious change in my outlook on life emulating an ease that they had never seen before. But for some, they liked the way I was before and my new outlook on life made them question their path in life.
One particular friend, whom I have always looked up to for her ability to shine even through the toughest of times, seem to be going through her own emotional roller-coaster. It wasn't evident in her words, but her stilted conversation and body language screamed, please can you help me. One night whilst there, she sent me a message saying how very proud she was of me and how I have managed to make such drastic changes in my life. She said I have made this whole process look easy and she could never imagine being able to do what I have done. I tried to press further and encourage her to tell me what was really on her mind, but she bottled up and wouldn't share any further and consequently, I didn't see or hear from her for the rest of my trip, not even for my vow renewal.
It completely broke my heart that not only could my friend not share with me her biggest worries, but also that she felt she wasn't as strong as me to make positive changes in her life. I worried that my persona of 'Fake it till you make it' was too good of an act and the act of quitting alcohol and facing your personal demons is only for strong positive people. If only my friend knew how hard is was to even admit I had a drinking problem let alone find the strength to quit it for good. It is my hope that I can share this with my family and friends in order for them to see the things I have been hiding behind my smile for years and how I managed to convince the world how invincible I can be when I felt like I was dying inside.
